


What We Lost

by AlyssAlenko



Series: A little bit of Shenko Paradise [9]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Biotics, Bittersweet, Break My Heart, Canon-Typical Violence, Canonical Character Death, Character Death, Comfort/Angst, Death, F/M, Feels, Fluff and Angst, Forgive Me, Friendship, Goodbyes, Guilt, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I'm Sorry, Ilos, Implied Relationships, Love, Major character death - Freeform, Oh My God, Pregnancy, Remembrance, Romance, Surprises, Survivor Guilt, Till Death Do Us Part, Unplanned Pregnancy, What Have I Done, What Was I Thinking?, Why Did I Write This?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-03
Updated: 2017-11-03
Packaged: 2019-01-28 20:11:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12614512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlyssAlenko/pseuds/AlyssAlenko
Summary: While scouting for remnant geth pockets at the behest of the Council when Saren is defeated, the Normandy finds itself in a bit of a pickle, which makes it so Shepard can't tell Kaidan some good news she learned just before hand. I might be Satan but this is how I always imagined Shepard's death to go--though I did finish it and asked myself 'Dear God, what have I done.'





	What We Lost

“You never come to see me of your own accord...are you feeling alright, Commander?”

Alyss let out a tired laugh. “I’m not sure, Karin...maybe clearing out these geth pockets has taken its toll on me; this past month I’ve been so exhausted.”

Though part of that could be attributed to only having a week’s break, after almost single-mindedly pursuing Saren to the end of the galaxy and back again. She pulled Karin’s chair out from her desk, collapsing into it as Dr. Chakwas studied her carefully—extreme fatigue lurked behind her lavender eyes. She leaned forward, elbows on her knees and studied their fearless leader carefully. She didn’t speak for several heartbeats pulling a couple instruments out of her desk. Alyss ran her hand over her face, and up through her hair, sighing and slumping over in the chair, as Karin scanned her...she’d been so tired lately, tired, faint, and a little nauseous at times—everything seemed to be taking its toll on her; she was just going to close her eyes for a minute, maybe it would make the room stop spinning...

There was a clatter as Karin placed the medical scanner on the desk, making Alyss open her eyes slowly.

“What’s the prognosis, Doc? Am I dying?”

“Close. You’re pregnant; about six weeks along.” Chakwas chuckled, very used to Shepard’s sardonic sense of humor by now...after all this time treating Joker and his Vrolik’s Syndrome, she had to be.

“That would put conception at…” Alyss paused, her brain backtracking over the timeline. “...Ilos.”

Which made the two strawberry sunrise cocktails she’d had at the luau when she and Kaidan were in Hawaii, a very bad idea. She’d thought their blockers were still in place, but now that she thought about it, it had been about time for hers to be renewed; they didn’t last forever. But there were worse things than bringing a child into the world with the man she loved...even if they had yet to sit down and talk about their feelings in concrete terms. Her brain was already churning out ideas of how to tell him they were expecting, bracing her elbows against the desk, her head cradled in her hands, Karin clapping her gently on the shoulder, a gentle smile on her lips.

The comms crackled to life.

“Disengaging FTL drives.” Joker’s voice rang out over the comm system, making Alyss’ head snap up; had they actually found a geth pocket in the system finally? “Emission sinks active. Board is green. We are running silent.”

“I should probably go see what’s up. Thanks Karin.”

“Congratulations, Alyss...and do try to be careful—you’re in a delicate state.”

“Careful is my middle name...actually it’s Divinity...but that’s not the point.” She paused. “I feel like that’s the first time you’ve called me by my name.”

“It is.”

Both women laughed as Shepard stood from the chair and made her way out of the Medbay and up the stairs to be greeted by Pressly with a datapad. His brow was furrowed as he handed over the report, frowning. They’d been in this system for four days, hunting down geth pockets for five weeks—everyone’s frustration at having barely anything to show for it was starting to surface, and she couldn’t blame them for being upset. The Reapers were the real threat and the Council had their heads so far up their asses that they had convinced all the citizens of their space that geth were the problem, and had thrown Shepard at the supposed problem to appease the masses. She heaved a heavy sigh.

“We’re wasting our time, Commander. Four days searching up and down this sector and we haven’t found any sign of geth activity.” Pressly muttered. 

She signed the report with a flourish, looking around the CIC for Kaidan, without success. “As a Spectre, I answer to the Council whether I want to or not, even if we all know geth aren’t the real threat here, but this is where they want us.”

“Three ships went missing here in the past month. Something happened to ‘em.” Joker interjected, switching between screens and pressing a couple buttons.

“My money’s on slavers; the Terminus system is crawling with them.” Pressly replied.

The fact that slavers was even an option, irked Shepard to no end. Here they were, supposed to be an advanced galactic society, and they still had to worry about pirates, slavers and privateers. She sighed again, running a hand through her long black hair. And on top of those threats there were also ExoGeni and Cerberus that had arisen as threats when she was hunting down Saren to bring him to justice. The galaxy was rife with problems. A beep sounded throughout the cockpit, drawing everyone's attention to the terminal of crewman Addison Chase. Something else was here...they weren't alone in the sector anymore and that was worrisome.

“Picking up something on the long range scanner...unidentified vessel.” Addison told them, her eyebrows drawing together in worry. “Hmmm. Looks like a cruiser.”

What was a cruiser doing out in this part of space? It was hard to believe they were having a leisurely flight through geth and slaver infested skies...

Joker raised an eyebrow. “Doesn’t match any known signatures…”

“Well that’s not good; everybody to battle stations.”

“Are we assuming they’re hostile?”

“Better that then they catch us unawares. I’m going to go suit up, but if anyone sees Kaidan, please send him my way.”

“Cruiser is changing course…now on an intercept trajectory.” Addison told them as Shepard jogged past, heading towards the stairs and her locker.

Pressly shook his head, finding an open terminal and trying to decipher the data—no one should know they were there…the stealth systems were active and so the Normandy should’ve been undetectable because of it. If it really was true, there was the possibility someone had told the unidentified vessel exactly where the Normandy was going to be and when. Alyss wrenched her locker open, keeping a close eye on what everyone was saying over the ship-wide intercom—she’d kept it on when ordering all hands to their battle stations, wanting everyone on the crew to go into this with their eyes wide open. She dragged her armor on over her under armor suit as quickly as she could, while still making sure everything in her suit was firing correctly.

“It can’t be; the stealth systems are engaged! There’s no way a geth ship could poss—” Pressly cried.

Joker’s eyes went wide as the ship got closer. “It’s not the geth! Brace for evasive maneuvers!”

She grabbed her helmet just as a shot ripped through the wing of the Normandy, an explosion echoing through the comms as her shoulder hit the wall because of Joker’s evasion…a scream of ‘Pressly’ followed, ripped from Addison’s throat…Shepard hoped they were both okay. Dread settled in the pit of her stomach as a stampede of footsteps shook the ship, the crew rushing to help extinguish the fires that had started through the systems, and save whoever they could. She still hadn’t seen Kaidan. Joker removed his hat and replaced it on his head before cracking his knuckles and returning his attention to his piloting, taking a deep breath to calm himself. They weren’t going to go down without a fight. His only job was going to be to get himself, the crew, and the ship out of that hellhole in one piece…

“Kinetic barrier’s down!” Joker's voice rang out strong and clear over the intercom. “Multiple hull breaches! Weapons offline! Somebody put that fire out!”

It dwarfed the Normandy by at least ten times, as it hovered in the vacuum of space beside them, charging weapons again and trying for another pass Joker could only keep evading for so long, Shepard stumbling up the stairs and trying to keep her footing as the ship swerved to avoid another shot. He hadn’t been kidding—put the Normandy in his hands and he made it dance, whether it was routine flying or saving their hides. She couldn’t have asked for a better pilot in times of crisis, even if she hadn’t ever wanted to have to find that out. She approached a terminal and punched a couple buttons, eyes quickly scanning the information displayed there as rapid footsteps echoed across the CIC drawing her attention as a familiar suit of armor ran right for her as she pulled her helmet on. She nearly cried; he was okay.

“Shepard!” Kaidan called, as the seals of her helmet locked into place.

She turned at the sound of his voice, relieved that he was okay. “Distress beacon is ready for launch.”

“Will the Alliance get here in time?” Kaidan asked, pulling his helmet on over his head, and staring at the woman he loved.

Another shot ripped into the Normandy, and Kaidan stumbled into her arms. The console behind her blacked out into static, as the Normandy shook with the impact. How many more times was she going to be able to hold him like this? They both needed to make it out of this...she had to tell him about the baby, but it seemed the other ship didn’t want to leave anyone alive, wanted the Normandy torn apart. She tossed a fire extinguisher at Kaidan who caught it, and began to spray the white foam as best he could; his back to hers, protecting her flank as she worked at a console, cursing under her breath as it short-circuited. He knew it wasn’t the time to tell her he loved her—he’d been dancing around it since he realized it before Virmire, but he bit his tongue, his thoughts straying to the engagement ring tucked away inside his armor. He couldn’t feel her warmth at his back anymore, and turned around to see her at another computer console—there were more pressing concerns at hand. 

“The Alliance won’t abandon us. We just need to hold on. Get everyone onto the escape shuttles.” She sounded surer than she felt.

“Joker’s still in the cockpit; he won’t abandon ship. I’m not leaving either.” Kaidan replied.

Alyss turned away from trying to rewire the automated sprinkler systems, and wanted nothing more than to pull off her helmet and his too, to kiss him passionately in what just might be the last one they ever shared—him wanting to stay behind with her was a sweet sentiment, but he had to live. She tugged the extinguisher out of his hands.

“I need you to get the crew onto the evac shuttles. I’ll take care of Joker.”

Another violent shake, and an explosion over her head, made Kaidan’s heart leap into his throat. “Commander…”

“Kaidan. Go. Now.” She ordered, she needed to launch the beacon but she didn’t have enough power and he was distracting her, while she tried to get the launch system up and running.

He stared at her for a moment, turned and began to run. “Aye, Aye.”

She watched him over her shoulder as he ran towards the escape pods, before pressing the button on the console to activate the distress beacon. He didn’t turn around. She couldn’t believe that the Normandy was breaking up around them—the ship had been her home for the past year, and now it was broken but she bit her lip and began making her way to the bridge as fast as she could. Pressly’s body lay battered in front of the galaxy map, Addison Chase dead beside him, making her eyes close in silent prayer. She had to get to Joker.

The door to the bridge was jammed, only open enough for her to place her hands in between the two pieces, and try prying it open wide enough to slip inside. The gravity on the bridge was ridiculously high, making her take slow, weighted steps forward; there was a giant hole torn through the hull above her head, giving glimpses of the planet Alchera which had caught them in its orbit, and the star-studded galaxy beyond. She sighed in relief when she saw Joker sitting in the cockpit, helmet in place, trying to contact the Alliance while muttering for the Normandy—his baby—to keep it together. Alyss bit her lip as she started tinkering with some wiring, before turning her attention to their pilot who was still trying to get the ship out of there in one piece. She grabbed his arm.

“Come on, Joker; we have to get out of here.”

He shook her off. “No! I won’t abandon the Normandy! I can still save her!”

Alyss growled low in her throat, she wasn’t going to let him throw his life away. “The Normandy’s lost! Going down with the ship won’t change that.”

“Yeah. Okay.” He sighed heavily, glancing around their destroyed home. “Help me up—they’re coming around for another attack!”

She hauled him up out of his chair, letting him have a moment to collect himself and say goodbye as she ran to the door to the bridge, watching the yellow pulsing beam of energy tear the bridge from the rest of the ship—there was no way back, but luckily the bridge had its own special escape pod for her creaky boned pilot best friend, she just needed the power to launch it.

“Joker, if this goes sideways, will you look after Kaidan for me? We we’re getting serious.”

“Look after him yourself; you’re not allowed to leave me alone.”

She might not have a choice. Her lower lip disappeared underneath her teeth as she stared at the console, when she got the power back—Kaidan’s escape pod had just launched—besides the two of them; no one was left alive on the Normandy. She routed all available power to the bridge pod, and looked over her shoulder. Joker was moving too slowly. She knew it was to not break his legs, but, they didn’t have time to wait. She jogged over and picked Joker up, slinging him over her shoulder and making him groan in embarrassment. Another shot ripped into the Normandy—whatever ship that was, didn’t want anyone to escape; they’d made that perfectly clear, but she refused to let them have another life—Joker was too precious to her.

“Let’s hope I have the chance…”

“Ow! Watch the arm!” Joker grunted, as she led him to the evac shuttle, his eyes widening as he watched another breach form in the hull. “Commander—Shepard!”

That’s when she felt it. The piece of the Normandy she was standing on, started to pull away from the rest of the ship due to another shot from the unknown vessel. This was it—she wasn’t going to make it, but Joker still could; she shoved him forward into the seat with her biotics, forcefully enough that she probably shattered some of his bones, pressing the eject button on the wall, closing the door and launching Joker’s pod out into the stars as the floor ripped away throwing her backwards and slamming her into a wall, her body ricocheting to another…he was going to have to look after Kaidan for her. Joker banged on the window of the pod, screaming what looked like ‘Shepard’ over and over again, tears streaming down his face as a stray metal shard from the Normandy sliced her oxygen tank, her body hurtling out into space. He screamed her name once more, watching helplessly through the tiny circular window in the pod’s door as she struggled with her leaking oxygen tank, his best friend suffocating in the vacuum of space while her body hurtled towards the planet below, catching fire as it entered the atmosphere which made him close his eyes in horror and slide down the cold, metal wall to put his face in his hands as the Normandy exploded into nothing but fragments behind his pod. What had he done?

Her last thought wasn’t of dying—it was of their unborn child and Kaidan; she loved him and now he’d never know.

“I’m sorry little one. Neither of us is going to make it.” Alyss whispered, before her body went limp.

Kaidan watched the last pod come down, and ran towards it; she had to be fine…he hadn’t gotten the chance to tell her he loved her yet. He wrenched the door open, only to have Joker fall on the ground at his feet from where he’d been leaning against the door; his eyes were red and dry but it was obvious he was upset about something. Kaidan bent over to help Joker off the ground, looking for the first time into the escape pod itself, and saw only blank grey walls staring back at him…he didn’t want to believe she was gone, she couldn’t be…they were supposed to get married and live happily together for the rest of their days.

His face paled. “Where’s Shepard?”

“She got spaced, trying to get to the escape pod.” Joker told him. “It was my fault. If I hadn’t refused to abandon ship—”

“—you never could have foreseen this. This isn’t your fault.” Kaidan interrupted.

As much as he wanted to blame Joker, he couldn’t bring himself to do it—even though he’d just lost the love of his life, no one could have predicted this…sure, he’d been holding out hope that she’d make it back to him, but if the blame was on anyone, it was that damned ship. Joker dusted himself off, and pulled the brim of his cap down. He felt like crying more after watching her die—watching her die just to save him because he wanted to go down with the ship.

As much as Kaidan denied it, it _was_ his fault—he’d just killed his best friend; Joker had just lost the one thing in this world he _needed_ to protect.

“Come on, Joker—we’ll talk about it over a beer.” Kaidan sighed, clapping Joker on the shoulder as he walked past him.

He needed a drink…or twelve.

Joker didn’t move and Kaidan could feel his eyes boring in to his back, but he didn’t turn—couldn’t turn. Tears stung his eyes and threatened to fall, and there was no way he was going to let anyone see him loose control; the two of them hadn’t even been together that long, but he’d been entertaining the thought of forever by her side. Now it was nothing more than a flimsy dream. Joker’s hand balled into a fist as it hung down at his side. Why wasn’t Kaidan more upset about this?

“Don’t do that!” Joker screamed. “Yell at me or hit me but please do something!”

Kaidan whirled on him—a single tear left a track down his cheek.

“Who would that help? She’s gone, Joker and there’s nothing you, nor I, nor anyone can do about it! All we do is try our best to move on—Shepard…Alyss would have wanted us to be happy.”

Her name made Joker stop mid-tirade.

It was now obvious to Joker that Kaidan was hurting just as much as he was—if not more so. The two of them felt so small, so alone without her, but she hadn’t even been gone for a day; they’d just gotten so used to starting their day with her that suddenly under the Alchera sky, both were utterly and irrevocably lost. Joker placed a hand on Kaidan’s shoulder in silent comfort.

“Maybe I’ll have that beer with you after all.” He muttered.

Kaidan found himself staring at the small garden shoved off into a tiny corner of the presidium, that was relatively hard to find unless one knew where to look; hanging above it on the side wall was a plaque that read: “In Memoriam—Commander Shepard”. Kaidan scoffed—she’d sacrificed so much to save the Council on the day Saren attacked the Citadel, and all she had to show for it after her death, was a measly plaque and garden that most people didn’t know existed. She deserved better. As annoyed with it as he was, he still came to sit on the bench and watch the fountain bubble up twice a year—once on April 11, her birthday, and once on September 17, her death day.

“Happy Birthday, Alyss.” He whispered into the air.

“You come here on her birthday too?” A voice asked by his elbow.

His eyes flicked that way briefly as Joker sat down beside him. It was the first time he’d met anyone else here—normally he had her memory all to himself, but he didn’t mind sharing; she’d meant a lot to everyone she’d ever met, and he knew he hadn’t been the only one grieving her loss. They both sighed in unison.

“Yeah…birthday and death day, like clockwork…today is the third time I’ve come here, but it’s my last. I can’t keep doing this to myself.” Kaidan told him.

“I hear you. Though it’s a nice distraction from not being able to fly, to hobble out here and just remember her—she was the best friend I’d never asked for, but wouldn’t trade for the world.” Joker nodded.

“A light in the darkness.” Someone else said.

Tali stood slightly off to their left. It was the first time she’d been able to make it back to the Citadel in a year and a half, and the first thing she’d done was first figure out if there was one and second where Shepard’s memorial was. Garrus, Wrex, Liara, Engineer Gregory Adams and Dr. Karin Chakwas were all there, heads lowered in silent prayer, praying their incredible leader was resting in peace and comfort—even though Liara had secretly handed her to Cerberus, she hoped Shepard had found tranquility. It hadn’t been planned this way, but apparently her whole crew had somehow made it out at the same place and same time to see her and pay their respects. If only she could’ve seen the impact she’d had on all their lives.

“A formidable warrior.” Wrex added.

“The voice of reason.” Garrus muttered.

“The chain that held us up.” Liara clasped her hands in front of her.

“Our guiding force.” Gregory chimed in.

“And our immovable center.” Karin finished.

This was something Kaidan never felt before—closure. The fact that everyone who’s lives she’d touched so deeply was offering her a toast…everything she was to them, and the fact that he was surrounded by everyone who loved her when he was ready to let everything—her—go was the tiny push he needed to move on with his life. She would never be forgotten, but he didn’t have to keep torturing himself with her death. He wasn’t alone—and knowing that gave him the strength he needed to hold her safe in his heart forever more, but not be governed by guilt. Alyss wouldn’t want that for him…or for anyone.

He vowed to live as she had died: selflessly.

“I’m glad you’re all here.” He breathed, his eyes drawn to the fountain once more.

“So are we.”  Seven voices said.

Eight pairs of eyes stared at the plaque on the wall—even if she was dead, she was never truly gone; her spirit and her memory lived on inside each of them. She’d never gotten the chance to tell them all how much they’d meant to her, but Kaidan at least knew she’d be so proud of who they’d all become because of her influence. His parents would be so delighted if they could see him now—why had he been bottling all this up inside him when there were others who were hurting just as much as he was? He was going to spend his time helping people—and decided to take Anderson up on his offer to lead Biotics Division. If he could help even one child from suffering the same way he did, then everything was worth it.

“Thanks, Alyss—I love you.” He whispered.

It was the first time he’d uttered those words, and she hadn’t been around to hear them. Joker placed a hand on his shoulder, and together the Normandy crew walked off the Presidium.


End file.
